5 Ways My Dad Shaped My Middle School Years
5 ways my dad shaped my middle school years
A few months back, I wrote a post that explored some of the difficult changes every middle school boy faces as he transitions into his teenage years. From changing body image to questions about identity, the middle school years can be rough. However, they can also be a tremendous opportunity for you intentionally invest in your son’s life.
Here are 5 critical ways my dad shaped and guided me through the middle school years.
1. He was always available for conversation.
The middle school years naturally bring up tough and awkward conversations. I don’t think anyone would argue with that! The question is, how do you navigate them?
In my case, my dad never tried to force them to happen. Rather, he shaped my life by simply being available for them. Being approachable and understanding, open to questions he may not know the answers to. Over time, immense trust was built between the two of us. I knew I could come to him with anything.
One of my favorite quotes is “People grow into the conversations that you create around them.” In other words, conversation has transformative power. It helps us process our thoughts, and it is often the key to building relationships. But the first step to meaningful conversations is creating the space for the conversation to happen in the first place.
2. He gave me space to try new things.
Growing up, I had several friends who quit playing certain sports because of the immense pressure they felt from their parents. There was an overwhelming sense that they must perform well in order to feel accepted. It became a never ending treadmill of working hard as a means of earning approval.
I often wonder what might have happened if they felt the space to try new things, free of the pressure to perform. Would they have stumbled into something they could have thrived in? What if, instead of sports, they felt free to dabble in music or theater? Could there have been a hidden passion lying dormant?
It is tough to discover what you enjoy when you constantly feel the pressure to perform. Uncovering your strengths and passions takes time. But more importantly, it takes space.
3. He challenged me to give my best and never give up.
I’ll never forget a time my dad and I were riding home from a baseball game I had pitched in. I pitched a poor game, and was so frustrated with myself that I told my dad I thought I should quit. I was only 10 at the time, but I will never forget his response:
If you decide you don’t want to play anymore because you don’t enjoy baseball, that is fine with me. I want you play sports because you love playing them. But I won’t let you quit just because you don’t think you’re not very good. If you truly love it, then you need to keep working at it.
That advice was a game-changer for me: Don’t quit because you’re not satisfied with your performance. Work to get better. Learn to persevere.
It’s a tricky balance — encouraging your son to never give up, but also giving him space to be creative and try new things. They key, I think, is knowing you must pursue both.
4. He exposed me to mentors.
In hindsight, it is amazing how many things I have learned from other men I’ve had the pleasure of spending time with. The large majority of these men have been people my dad connected me to. Between my junior and senior years of high school, he set up four or five different lunch meetings with men he thought I could learn from. It played a huge role in shaping my outlook on life, especially with regards to my plans for the future (college, careers, etc.)
Even though this really took shape in high school, he began planting the seeds as early as the 6th grade. Anytime my dad and I ran into one of his friends he respected, he always made it a point to introduce me. By the time I was approaching college, meetings with these men weren’t nearly as intimidating. More importantly, I was learning from people with unique experiences that could speak wisdom into my life in ways my dad could not.
5. He saw my moral failures as moments to teach, not moments to condemn.
The final way my dad shaped me is a way that I never fully appreciated until years down the road. My middle school years were filled with plenty of mistakes. Mistakes that, if continued, could form dangerous habits down the road. But rather than enforcing strict discipline, my dad did something even more effective: He prioritized teaching over condemnation.
Did he take certain mistakes I made seriously? Of course he did. But more importantly, he placed a priority on talking about it rather than disciplining me for it. He cared about the choices I made, but he loved me enough to see my mistakes as an opportunity to invest in me.
Middle school expert Tom Shefchunas says to “put the conversation above the discipline.” In other words, he loved me for who I was, not for what I did. At Champion Tribes we have a saying for this: We want to see sons living from their father’s affirmation, rather than for their affirmation.
At the end of the day, that’s what we’re all about. We want to create environments that put honest and open conversations at the heart of father-son relationships. When that happens, it’s amazing how much easier it makes everything else.
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